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Advice From Steve…

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What is your favorite death blow?
One Finger Strike
Forced Viewing Of Segal Dvds
Cheesy Movie Line Attack
Throwing Poo
Play Loud Segal Music
Hire Chuck Norris
“Save The Whales” Chop
[ Results | Polls ]
Comments:597 | Votes:5056

Politics: Steven Seagal Convinces Iran To Suspend Uranium Enrichment

Posted by Dork on Friday April 28, @10:27AM
from the kicking-ass-on-all-fronts dept.


Self styled as the world’s Special Envoy for Truth and Justice, Seven Seagal announced significant progress in recent nuclear talks with Iranian senior officials. Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad was persuaded that the best way for his nation to resolve the uranium dispute was to personally defend Iran’s honor through the ancient art of Judo. Unfortunately for Iran, their president was easily bested by Mr. Seagal and their leaders signed a treaty agreeing to snap inspections and to suspend enrichment operations until such time as they can win two out of three falls.


Awards: Steven voted Ultimate Kung-fu Master

Posted by Dork on Friday April 28, @09:49AM
from the the-great-one-gets-greaterer dept.


Steven Segal was voted the “Ultimate Kung-fu Master” by his Fan Club last Friday. Segal beat out the only opposing contender, Ralph Macchio, who was ultimately declared a “Wus” for his performance in Can’t Be Heaven. The induction ceremony will be held at the Philadelphia YCMA, where several of the local Taekwondo and 132nd Degree Black Belts (ages 6-10) will perform their famous “Dance of Fists”.


Music: Berlin Wall Being Reconstructed In Order For Steven Seagal To Perform At Its Tearing Down Ceremony

Posted by Dork on Friday April 28, @08:44AM
from the night-rider-sucks dept.


The Berlin Wall, by popular demand within Germany, is being reconstructed in order for the harsh memory of David Hasselhoff performing in front of it to be replaced by the memory of Steven Seagal performing his hit Lollipop whilst wearing a lit up fringed mountain man coat. Germans on both sides of the old wall are looking forward to looking back on this performance as the seminal moment in German pop culture. It is also hoped that Blumchen will open for Mr. Seagal and round out her set with the wildly popular Dench Nock Mal Druber Noch.


Violence: Mr Segal Flips Out and Chops Heads Off

Posted by NinjaNeal on Friday April 28, @06:43AM
from the steven-will-kick-your-mom-in-the-face dept.


After a long night of porking hot babes, Steven Segal was seen in San Francisco’s Chinatown, flipping out, and chopping people’s heads off. “He was muttering something about pirates” says John Frankel, a survivor of this rampage. When later asked for comments on what spurred this fiasco, Segal replied with a high-pitched ‘HI-YA’, and clumsily cart-wheeled his way into an alley. Soon after, Mr. Segal was seen flying on his “Flying V” guitar to San Deigo’s Mission Bay. He’s now tormenting local sailors by wailing his guitar and yelling “Thar She Blows!”.


Reviews: Giving hope to the morbidly obese

Posted by Kevin Keast on Friday April 28, @03:00AM
from the lollipop dept.

Kevin Keast posts his thoughts on the release of the much anticipated, Songs from the Crystal Cave

Dear Mr. Seagal,

Tuesday, February 12th, was a pretty average day for me. I woke up, brushed my teeth, had my morning glass of mayonnaise, put on my beret, tossed my scarf over my shoulder, heaved a heavy sigh and ventured out into the cold. The suspension on my electric scooter sagged deeply, not unlike my longing heart. While the vanity bumper sticker that Mother had bought me proclaimed “A smile a day keeps the doctor away”, I was a very, very lonely 42 year old man. I was morbidly obese and quite frankly, I didn’t have the most pleasant odour about me. I was lucky if even that kid with the club foot that everyone chased after school would wave to me when I passed.

Doing the rounds of my paper route, I rode by my local music store. I heard Something about Lollipops emanating from the speaker. I heard the low and shrill sound and it immediately began soothing my jangled nerves. Little did I know that this little piece of plastic, with the wondroous words and lyrics of Steven Seagal burned onto it for all of eternity with a laser, was soon to change my life.

I immediately got out of my scooter, ran into the store, took a few minutes to try to catch my breath. Finally I was able to gasp out to the clerk: “That Cd. That voice of the angels. I need to have it now”. I bought several copies in case I became hungry on the way home. I rushed home, changed into my athletic gear and utility belt and immediately began doing pushups. It was like I was a man possesed. I didn’t know it at the time, but this CD harnessed the work ethic, the martial arts prowess and, above all, the stunning handsomness and fashion sense of Steven Seagal into one small package. All that I had to do was press play and I was transformed into the essence of Casey Ryback, ex-navy seal, counter-terrorist expert and environmental mercenary.

To the sounds of Mr.Seagal I was able to shed my weight and began taking daily showers. I now entertain several women per week, sometimes even several per day. I am making over $5000 a week stuffing envelopes from home. My life has become full of many smiles a day, and I look forward to each day with more anticipation than the last. I owe it all to the inspiring and electrifying work being done each and every day by Steven Seagal.

Thank you, Steven Seagal!